I have realized, after re-reading a FANTASTIC book about being involved with Ambivalent Men (The Committment Cure, by Rhonda Findling), that I have been attracted to and involved with only men who don't care about me or who cannot commit or who are ambivalent towards me and relationships for my ENTIRE adult life! Even when I was in junior high and high school! Isn't that a sad fact!!!!
Men who I have been attracted to and involved with included:
men who were "broken" in some way or many ways or most ways;
men who were abusive towards me;
men who were emotionally unavailable and/or neglectful of me;
men who are/were not interested in me;
men who treat/ed me poorly;
men who I chase/d after in order to try to win their attention and/or affection;
men who did not or would not meet my relationship needs and wants;
men who I had to support - financially and/or emotionally;
relationships that brought me pain, sadness, suffering, hurt, rejection, eventual abandonment, and most often misery!
It is terribly sad to realize that I have been sad and hurt and in pain about men, love, and relationship my entire life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How sad is it that I have spent my entire conscious life in pain about relationships?
I want to be a happy, free person!
I want to enjoy myself and my life!
Right now, and for how long? I am so scattered.... my thoughts are so distracted by my unhappy, unfulfilling, unsatisfying relationships. I cannot fully be present in my life to myself, my life, my friends, my world, the world!
This is not the way to spend a life. This is not the way to spend my life!
I have finally become happy in my life, over the last many years. And yet, there is always that underlying well of pain and sadness about my relationships that I am struggling in or with or towards.....
I want to be TRULY happy!
I want to be TRULY free!
I must change within myself the patterns and qualities which draw me to ambivalent men. I must no longer accept cruelty, disregard, humiliation, and ambivalence. I must learn to fully love myself in order to stop allowing degrading relationships and attractions. I must erase the messages in my head and heart about my unworthiness or not-enough worthiness, about not quite measuring up, about not quite being valuable enough.....
There is much work to do! And yet, the outcome can only be EXCITING!!!!
I look forward to feeling truly FREE and HAPPY to enjoy my self, my life, my connections, my friends, my passions, my work, the world!
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