Are you happy with yourself, now?
Now that you have cut me entirely out of your life?
Like the leftovers from paper cutouts?
What do you have left, now, for the shape you have carved there?
Are you happy with yourself, now?
Now that you have pushed me away, entirely?
For you to have room for your boats and your women and your cruelty and your fear...
Do you miss that space that I used to fill?
Or has it washed down the drain
like the bloody water from gutting the fish you caught...
Are you happy with yourself, now?
Having finally completely replaced me with your pornographic fantasies...
Do you still envision me as you jack off?
Or is it someone else, now
Someone new that you are trying to own....
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Realization!
I've just realized this morning what my journey is, right now.... To create within myself self-esteem and self-respect!
It is a long, hard journey. I struggle constantly. I make decisions based on my Weak Self, my low self-esteem self, and then I feel even more shitty about myself. I make gains with self-respect by standing up for myself, but still allow too many people to influence my thoughts and feelings about myself and my world.
Thinking about the latest man situation, where I asked for my needs and did not get them delivered, I was thinking, what do I do next? I struggled with that for days, until this morning, I realized that what I do is I turn him down when he asks to come over and visit. I say no, you can invite me to DO SOMETHING, first!
Men want things the easy way. Come on over and fuck me. I'll come over and fuck you. FUCK THAT! Visiting is an easy opening for moving closer, cuddling, fucking. Forget it!
I want to go out! Do fun things! Have fun! Whether that is lunch, dinner, a walk, a movie, a road trip, adventure.... WHATEVER! Go out! I want to go out into the world with a companion!
If I had kids, that would be different. I would NEED to stay home and people would HAVE to visit to see me. But I do not. I am free and single and unemcumbered by much. I love to go out and have fun and enjoy myself and the world and life!
So, I finally figured out that I can and will say "No!" Wow! What a concept! In this answer, I felt self-respect and self-esteem. And it was then I realized my journey.
I am very disappointed in men, in the men in my life, in men in general. But I can have a fantastic life and enjoy myself, regardless. And that is what I plan to do!!!!
It is a long, hard journey. I struggle constantly. I make decisions based on my Weak Self, my low self-esteem self, and then I feel even more shitty about myself. I make gains with self-respect by standing up for myself, but still allow too many people to influence my thoughts and feelings about myself and my world.
Thinking about the latest man situation, where I asked for my needs and did not get them delivered, I was thinking, what do I do next? I struggled with that for days, until this morning, I realized that what I do is I turn him down when he asks to come over and visit. I say no, you can invite me to DO SOMETHING, first!
Men want things the easy way. Come on over and fuck me. I'll come over and fuck you. FUCK THAT! Visiting is an easy opening for moving closer, cuddling, fucking. Forget it!
I want to go out! Do fun things! Have fun! Whether that is lunch, dinner, a walk, a movie, a road trip, adventure.... WHATEVER! Go out! I want to go out into the world with a companion!
If I had kids, that would be different. I would NEED to stay home and people would HAVE to visit to see me. But I do not. I am free and single and unemcumbered by much. I love to go out and have fun and enjoy myself and the world and life!
So, I finally figured out that I can and will say "No!" Wow! What a concept! In this answer, I felt self-respect and self-esteem. And it was then I realized my journey.
I am very disappointed in men, in the men in my life, in men in general. But I can have a fantastic life and enjoy myself, regardless. And that is what I plan to do!!!!
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Saturday, April 5, 2008
I've Died a Thousand Times
I’ve died an emotional death
a thousand times
as painful as bodily death
you don’t even know it
you don’t even get it
shrapnel and bombs
and my heart ripping into tiny pieces
over and over and over again
You’ll never know
a thousand times.
April 4, 2008
a thousand times
as painful as bodily death
you don’t even know it
you don’t even get it
shrapnel and bombs
and my heart ripping into tiny pieces
over and over and over again
You’ll never know
a thousand times.
April 4, 2008
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Where have YOU been?
Where was he
night after night
desperate as I was
to hear from him?
Where was he
day after day
when I dragged my body
tired, exhausted
home from work?
Where was he
when storms shook
my house, this city
and I worried, alone?
Where was he
when I sat
lonely and so sad
as the weekend approached
dying inside to see him?
Where was he
when I missed him so
longed for him so
wanted to share my life with him?
Where was he
before I left the country
wishing he would care enough
to call before I would go?
Where was he
when I was hurt or sick
taking care of myself
myself miserable sick on my couch?
Where was he
when they died
when I faced the shock of death
alone?
Where was he
when I made a party for us
and he refused to come?
Where was he
when I asked that he come with me
accompany me with my friends?
Where was he
when I called
desperate to get in touch with him
and the phone would ring and ring and ring and ring?
Where have you been
showing up only when you please to
only when you want my body
only when it suits you
and now-
you expect me to be there?
night after night
desperate as I was
to hear from him?
Where was he
day after day
when I dragged my body
tired, exhausted
home from work?
Where was he
when storms shook
my house, this city
and I worried, alone?
Where was he
when I sat
lonely and so sad
as the weekend approached
dying inside to see him?
Where was he
when I missed him so
longed for him so
wanted to share my life with him?
Where was he
before I left the country
wishing he would care enough
to call before I would go?
Where was he
when I was hurt or sick
taking care of myself
myself miserable sick on my couch?
Where was he
when they died
when I faced the shock of death
alone?
Where was he
when I made a party for us
and he refused to come?
Where was he
when I asked that he come with me
accompany me with my friends?
Where was he
when I called
desperate to get in touch with him
and the phone would ring and ring and ring and ring?
Where have you been
showing up only when you please to
only when you want my body
only when it suits you
and now-
you expect me to be there?
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Codependency
wanting to reach out
holding myself back...
every day I go through this
conflict with myself...
Do I? Should I? Shouldn't I? What if?
Don't want to give more than he does, any longer....
Don't want to give more than he offers, any longer....
I wish he would call
I wish he would call
I wish he would call
I wish he would call.....
I wish he would want me.
holding myself back...
every day I go through this
conflict with myself...
Do I? Should I? Shouldn't I? What if?
Don't want to give more than he does, any longer....
Don't want to give more than he offers, any longer....
I wish he would call
I wish he would call
I wish he would call
I wish he would call.....
I wish he would want me.
Shining
I dyed the back of my hair pink. It is starting to fade. I wanted something different. I wanted something strong. I wanted to say "Don't fuck with me!" to men who reject me, refuse to call me back... Let them know up front that they need to tread carefully with me as I am a strong woman who won't take no shit - or who, more accurately, doesn't WANT any(more) shit!!!!!!
I call it "my peacock tail," feeling colorful and bright! But the first day, I was so self-conscious! What would people think? Is it ugly? Is it too much? All day I was embarrassed, humbled, mortified even.... I thought perhaps I had made a big mistake!
However, that weekend, I went to an event, put on my best peacock clothes, shined my best peacock smile and peacock self, and had a great ol' time! I strutted my stuff and just enjoyed myself! As I wanted to do, all along! Be myself! And let that be known!
I had a positive response to myself as I put it forward into the world, that night! I had mixed responses about my hair, but by the end of the night, I no longer even thought about it, no longer even cared!
Since then, I have worn my pink hair self-confidently!
Now, it is fading... Soon to fade out completely! It has been an interesting sort of experiment.... I think I have gotten what I intended out of it... empowerment and control, perhaps, for myself..... Mostly empowerment, which comes with it, control....
I think I might do it again... just for fun!
Shine brightly, Peacock Me!
Love,
OKC
I call it "my peacock tail," feeling colorful and bright! But the first day, I was so self-conscious! What would people think? Is it ugly? Is it too much? All day I was embarrassed, humbled, mortified even.... I thought perhaps I had made a big mistake!
However, that weekend, I went to an event, put on my best peacock clothes, shined my best peacock smile and peacock self, and had a great ol' time! I strutted my stuff and just enjoyed myself! As I wanted to do, all along! Be myself! And let that be known!
I had a positive response to myself as I put it forward into the world, that night! I had mixed responses about my hair, but by the end of the night, I no longer even thought about it, no longer even cared!
Since then, I have worn my pink hair self-confidently!
Now, it is fading... Soon to fade out completely! It has been an interesting sort of experiment.... I think I have gotten what I intended out of it... empowerment and control, perhaps, for myself..... Mostly empowerment, which comes with it, control....
I think I might do it again... just for fun!
Shine brightly, Peacock Me!
Love,
OKC
Continued....
I think Lillian "Lilly" Allison, will be her name... if I ever do follow through on that..... And I will raise her peacefully, gently, quietly, calmly, nurturingly, lovingly, and will call her "Beautiful" and "Gorgeous" each and every day. That will be her nickname. So that she grows up with that image of herself, no matter what...... What all of us girls and women so badly need!!!!!
I think it is good, very good, that I had that thought, a dream, a vision beyond myself, beyond my current life, beyond only him and thoughts of him.... That is good! That is growth, movement!!! So necessary!
It is about time that I break free mentally and emotionally from him, in every way, including in my thoughts and dreams and visions!!! These things have been locked so long around him.....!
So YAY! Progress! Movement! Growth! Healing! Health! YAYAYYYYY!
I realized, too, that today is April 1st! I have been thinking that I should start losing weight/dieting April 1st. That has been my goal day to start and here it is, I realized! Aside from my feminist self, I want to lose 10 lbs, at least, to start with. Ten pounds. That sounds doable, at least! Not too overwhelming, depriving and hopeless! That will be a good start, anyways.... I love my strong, beautiful, healthy body! But I am miserable with my added weight... I am disgusted, saddened and miserable. That is no way to be and feel about myself! I remember my thinner self! My free-er thinner self!!! Free-er in movement, lighter..... My "fatter" clothes are now too tight... that is not a good sign... In years past, I attributed that to clothes dryer shrinkage!!! Until I realized too late that was not it!!!! So, no more denial, and yes, starting today, this is my plan!
So that is good. We will see how I do in terms of sugar... For 10 years I did not eat sugar! Gave it up!!!! I need to get back to that... So we shall see.
10 lbs. That will be my (manageable) goal. Not too depriving so that I am not miserable in my thoughts and heart!
And it is a good time of the year to do this! Spring! Heading into Summer! More movement, excersize, possibilities for movement!
I will let you all know how it is going!!!!
Love,
OKC
I think it is good, very good, that I had that thought, a dream, a vision beyond myself, beyond my current life, beyond only him and thoughts of him.... That is good! That is growth, movement!!! So necessary!
It is about time that I break free mentally and emotionally from him, in every way, including in my thoughts and dreams and visions!!! These things have been locked so long around him.....!
So YAY! Progress! Movement! Growth! Healing! Health! YAYAYYYYY!
I realized, too, that today is April 1st! I have been thinking that I should start losing weight/dieting April 1st. That has been my goal day to start and here it is, I realized! Aside from my feminist self, I want to lose 10 lbs, at least, to start with. Ten pounds. That sounds doable, at least! Not too overwhelming, depriving and hopeless! That will be a good start, anyways.... I love my strong, beautiful, healthy body! But I am miserable with my added weight... I am disgusted, saddened and miserable. That is no way to be and feel about myself! I remember my thinner self! My free-er thinner self!!! Free-er in movement, lighter..... My "fatter" clothes are now too tight... that is not a good sign... In years past, I attributed that to clothes dryer shrinkage!!! Until I realized too late that was not it!!!! So, no more denial, and yes, starting today, this is my plan!
So that is good. We will see how I do in terms of sugar... For 10 years I did not eat sugar! Gave it up!!!! I need to get back to that... So we shall see.
10 lbs. That will be my (manageable) goal. Not too depriving so that I am not miserable in my thoughts and heart!
And it is a good time of the year to do this! Spring! Heading into Summer! More movement, excersize, possibilities for movement!
I will let you all know how it is going!!!!
Love,
OKC
A family for me????
I dreamt last night I was with my entire family and we were helping my brother and sister in law pick out/pick up a new adoptive child... to add to their family. I already have two adopted nephews who are their sons... and I was comforting my nephews, one of whom in the dream was much younger than he actually is, today, about getting a new baby in the family and them not having to fear a new addition that will be taking everyone's attention... but not love.... from them.... And, in the dream, my sister in law comes out, (I am watching through a window- a car window?), holding a baby girl! We hadn't thought of a GIRL!!!!
I wake up and think about that. A baby girl! I have always wanted a baby girl! In my dream she was round and baldish in a cute little (plaid?) dress with white ruffle trim..... I name her Alice. I wake up, slowly, thinking of this name. Alice.... Alison... Elvis Costello's beautiful song, Alison. One of the most beautiful songs in the world, I truly believe.....
I think about holding a baby girl I name Alison, and singing Alison to her, and playing it in the background. I start wondering, what would it be like to have a baby, now? After all of these y ears? My life would definately be full! And no longer quiet, that is for sure! My house would be full.... Trips to doctors, changing diapers, school, daycare?, trips to the beach, dance classes, trips to the park.....
I start thinking about my house and what changes would need to be made as I think about where I would put her.... And then start thinking about remodeling, which I have always thought about, anyways... and then it strikes me, perhaps an addition on the back???! I think about a master bedroom, full size closets for me, french doors to my lovely backyard, an added living room area, an added eating area for the kitchen, perhaps a real laundry room, an added bathroom upstairs for Alison....... And it starts to all make sense......
A baby? A life with a baby? A family for me? Being a single mom? Now? After all of these years, at 44? Adopting a baby girl?
Wow.
Big thoughts to think about, waking up, this morning.........
Oh, and a puppy to go with her, too... a little white fluffy puppy she grows up with that she hugs and loves and they play together.
wow......
I wake up and think about that. A baby girl! I have always wanted a baby girl! In my dream she was round and baldish in a cute little (plaid?) dress with white ruffle trim..... I name her Alice. I wake up, slowly, thinking of this name. Alice.... Alison... Elvis Costello's beautiful song, Alison. One of the most beautiful songs in the world, I truly believe.....
I think about holding a baby girl I name Alison, and singing Alison to her, and playing it in the background. I start wondering, what would it be like to have a baby, now? After all of these y ears? My life would definately be full! And no longer quiet, that is for sure! My house would be full.... Trips to doctors, changing diapers, school, daycare?, trips to the beach, dance classes, trips to the park.....
I start thinking about my house and what changes would need to be made as I think about where I would put her.... And then start thinking about remodeling, which I have always thought about, anyways... and then it strikes me, perhaps an addition on the back???! I think about a master bedroom, full size closets for me, french doors to my lovely backyard, an added living room area, an added eating area for the kitchen, perhaps a real laundry room, an added bathroom upstairs for Alison....... And it starts to all make sense......
A baby? A life with a baby? A family for me? Being a single mom? Now? After all of these years, at 44? Adopting a baby girl?
Wow.
Big thoughts to think about, waking up, this morning.........
Oh, and a puppy to go with her, too... a little white fluffy puppy she grows up with that she hugs and loves and they play together.
wow......
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