Haven't written in here for a long time! For all of you out there who are reading my blog, I appreciate it! I must say, I got shy after I sent it out to everyone. I stopped writing in it, after that. I will have to get over my performance anxiety!
Yesterday was a glorious summer day - in the 90's! I spent the day, I must admit, sad, melancholy, thinking of what I used to be doing on days like this with the stupid, loser ex-boyfriend. At times, rare times, I had to remind myself, we would be out adventuring in the summer, taking in the glory of the beauty of the Pacific Northwest and all of our favorite places, fishing, camping, me swimming. Summer days. Swimming, laying on the hard, fiberglass boat seat/bench, lounging in my bikini, tantalizing the boyfriend... ah... heaven!
I was thinking of the places we could be and the waters we could be enjoying and the relaxing we could be doing together... I felt sad.
I stayed home and in order to stay cool, stayed inside and watched my marathon of Harry Potter movies, none of which I have ever seen. It was pretty ok. I didn't go out, didn't tantalize the Olympian men in short, cute, barely summer outfits...... I couldn't think of anyone worth tantalizing. Couldn't think of people I wanted to be around.
Kind of a sad day.
This morning, 4:21 a.m, it is thundering outside, raining. It is good. Perhaps a fresh start to a new day. And I definately won't have to water this morning! : )
Love,
K
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Finally getting free!
Wow! Finally and AT LAST! My pants are LOOSER!!! YAY! FANTASTIC!
So tired of my pants just getting tighter and tighter.... It's been awful, that way.... So this is good! Tremendous!
Started by quitting sugar, finally, at last, again, April 1st, then as the month gradually wore on, getting back to eating differently, until by the end of the month, back to my old ways of eating... salads, vegetables, limiting my eating, and then cutting out carbs (hard carbs... the obvious types!)
So far, it is working! And increasing my cardio from 30" to 45" and at a faster heart rate (faster than recommended, by far, but my usual, prior to my heart rate monitor!). So all is well now... though, indeed, I am very impatient with weight loss... I wish I could drop 20 lbs tomorrow!!!!!!! Absolutely! But last week was a good weight loss week, as per the scales, so if that continues, I am well on my way!
Free at last! Free at last! Thank god almight, I am getting Free at last!
So tired of my pants just getting tighter and tighter.... It's been awful, that way.... So this is good! Tremendous!
Started by quitting sugar, finally, at last, again, April 1st, then as the month gradually wore on, getting back to eating differently, until by the end of the month, back to my old ways of eating... salads, vegetables, limiting my eating, and then cutting out carbs (hard carbs... the obvious types!)
So far, it is working! And increasing my cardio from 30" to 45" and at a faster heart rate (faster than recommended, by far, but my usual, prior to my heart rate monitor!). So all is well now... though, indeed, I am very impatient with weight loss... I wish I could drop 20 lbs tomorrow!!!!!!! Absolutely! But last week was a good weight loss week, as per the scales, so if that continues, I am well on my way!
Free at last! Free at last! Thank god almight, I am getting Free at last!
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Are you happy, now?
Are you happy with yourself, now?
Now that you have cut me entirely out of your life?
Like the leftovers from paper cutouts?
What do you have left, now, for the shape you have carved there?
Are you happy with yourself, now?
Now that you have pushed me away, entirely?
For you to have room for your boats and your women and your cruelty and your fear...
Do you miss that space that I used to fill?
Or has it washed down the drain
like the bloody water from gutting the fish you caught...
Are you happy with yourself, now?
Having finally completely replaced me with your pornographic fantasies...
Do you still envision me as you jack off?
Or is it someone else, now
Someone new that you are trying to own....
Now that you have cut me entirely out of your life?
Like the leftovers from paper cutouts?
What do you have left, now, for the shape you have carved there?
Are you happy with yourself, now?
Now that you have pushed me away, entirely?
For you to have room for your boats and your women and your cruelty and your fear...
Do you miss that space that I used to fill?
Or has it washed down the drain
like the bloody water from gutting the fish you caught...
Are you happy with yourself, now?
Having finally completely replaced me with your pornographic fantasies...
Do you still envision me as you jack off?
Or is it someone else, now
Someone new that you are trying to own....
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Realization!
I've just realized this morning what my journey is, right now.... To create within myself self-esteem and self-respect!
It is a long, hard journey. I struggle constantly. I make decisions based on my Weak Self, my low self-esteem self, and then I feel even more shitty about myself. I make gains with self-respect by standing up for myself, but still allow too many people to influence my thoughts and feelings about myself and my world.
Thinking about the latest man situation, where I asked for my needs and did not get them delivered, I was thinking, what do I do next? I struggled with that for days, until this morning, I realized that what I do is I turn him down when he asks to come over and visit. I say no, you can invite me to DO SOMETHING, first!
Men want things the easy way. Come on over and fuck me. I'll come over and fuck you. FUCK THAT! Visiting is an easy opening for moving closer, cuddling, fucking. Forget it!
I want to go out! Do fun things! Have fun! Whether that is lunch, dinner, a walk, a movie, a road trip, adventure.... WHATEVER! Go out! I want to go out into the world with a companion!
If I had kids, that would be different. I would NEED to stay home and people would HAVE to visit to see me. But I do not. I am free and single and unemcumbered by much. I love to go out and have fun and enjoy myself and the world and life!
So, I finally figured out that I can and will say "No!" Wow! What a concept! In this answer, I felt self-respect and self-esteem. And it was then I realized my journey.
I am very disappointed in men, in the men in my life, in men in general. But I can have a fantastic life and enjoy myself, regardless. And that is what I plan to do!!!!
It is a long, hard journey. I struggle constantly. I make decisions based on my Weak Self, my low self-esteem self, and then I feel even more shitty about myself. I make gains with self-respect by standing up for myself, but still allow too many people to influence my thoughts and feelings about myself and my world.
Thinking about the latest man situation, where I asked for my needs and did not get them delivered, I was thinking, what do I do next? I struggled with that for days, until this morning, I realized that what I do is I turn him down when he asks to come over and visit. I say no, you can invite me to DO SOMETHING, first!
Men want things the easy way. Come on over and fuck me. I'll come over and fuck you. FUCK THAT! Visiting is an easy opening for moving closer, cuddling, fucking. Forget it!
I want to go out! Do fun things! Have fun! Whether that is lunch, dinner, a walk, a movie, a road trip, adventure.... WHATEVER! Go out! I want to go out into the world with a companion!
If I had kids, that would be different. I would NEED to stay home and people would HAVE to visit to see me. But I do not. I am free and single and unemcumbered by much. I love to go out and have fun and enjoy myself and the world and life!
So, I finally figured out that I can and will say "No!" Wow! What a concept! In this answer, I felt self-respect and self-esteem. And it was then I realized my journey.
I am very disappointed in men, in the men in my life, in men in general. But I can have a fantastic life and enjoy myself, regardless. And that is what I plan to do!!!!
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Saturday, April 5, 2008
I've Died a Thousand Times
I’ve died an emotional death
a thousand times
as painful as bodily death
you don’t even know it
you don’t even get it
shrapnel and bombs
and my heart ripping into tiny pieces
over and over and over again
You’ll never know
a thousand times.
April 4, 2008
a thousand times
as painful as bodily death
you don’t even know it
you don’t even get it
shrapnel and bombs
and my heart ripping into tiny pieces
over and over and over again
You’ll never know
a thousand times.
April 4, 2008
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Where have YOU been?
Where was he
night after night
desperate as I was
to hear from him?
Where was he
day after day
when I dragged my body
tired, exhausted
home from work?
Where was he
when storms shook
my house, this city
and I worried, alone?
Where was he
when I sat
lonely and so sad
as the weekend approached
dying inside to see him?
Where was he
when I missed him so
longed for him so
wanted to share my life with him?
Where was he
before I left the country
wishing he would care enough
to call before I would go?
Where was he
when I was hurt or sick
taking care of myself
myself miserable sick on my couch?
Where was he
when they died
when I faced the shock of death
alone?
Where was he
when I made a party for us
and he refused to come?
Where was he
when I asked that he come with me
accompany me with my friends?
Where was he
when I called
desperate to get in touch with him
and the phone would ring and ring and ring and ring?
Where have you been
showing up only when you please to
only when you want my body
only when it suits you
and now-
you expect me to be there?
night after night
desperate as I was
to hear from him?
Where was he
day after day
when I dragged my body
tired, exhausted
home from work?
Where was he
when storms shook
my house, this city
and I worried, alone?
Where was he
when I sat
lonely and so sad
as the weekend approached
dying inside to see him?
Where was he
when I missed him so
longed for him so
wanted to share my life with him?
Where was he
before I left the country
wishing he would care enough
to call before I would go?
Where was he
when I was hurt or sick
taking care of myself
myself miserable sick on my couch?
Where was he
when they died
when I faced the shock of death
alone?
Where was he
when I made a party for us
and he refused to come?
Where was he
when I asked that he come with me
accompany me with my friends?
Where was he
when I called
desperate to get in touch with him
and the phone would ring and ring and ring and ring?
Where have you been
showing up only when you please to
only when you want my body
only when it suits you
and now-
you expect me to be there?
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Codependency
wanting to reach out
holding myself back...
every day I go through this
conflict with myself...
Do I? Should I? Shouldn't I? What if?
Don't want to give more than he does, any longer....
Don't want to give more than he offers, any longer....
I wish he would call
I wish he would call
I wish he would call
I wish he would call.....
I wish he would want me.
holding myself back...
every day I go through this
conflict with myself...
Do I? Should I? Shouldn't I? What if?
Don't want to give more than he does, any longer....
Don't want to give more than he offers, any longer....
I wish he would call
I wish he would call
I wish he would call
I wish he would call.....
I wish he would want me.
Shining
I dyed the back of my hair pink. It is starting to fade. I wanted something different. I wanted something strong. I wanted to say "Don't fuck with me!" to men who reject me, refuse to call me back... Let them know up front that they need to tread carefully with me as I am a strong woman who won't take no shit - or who, more accurately, doesn't WANT any(more) shit!!!!!!
I call it "my peacock tail," feeling colorful and bright! But the first day, I was so self-conscious! What would people think? Is it ugly? Is it too much? All day I was embarrassed, humbled, mortified even.... I thought perhaps I had made a big mistake!
However, that weekend, I went to an event, put on my best peacock clothes, shined my best peacock smile and peacock self, and had a great ol' time! I strutted my stuff and just enjoyed myself! As I wanted to do, all along! Be myself! And let that be known!
I had a positive response to myself as I put it forward into the world, that night! I had mixed responses about my hair, but by the end of the night, I no longer even thought about it, no longer even cared!
Since then, I have worn my pink hair self-confidently!
Now, it is fading... Soon to fade out completely! It has been an interesting sort of experiment.... I think I have gotten what I intended out of it... empowerment and control, perhaps, for myself..... Mostly empowerment, which comes with it, control....
I think I might do it again... just for fun!
Shine brightly, Peacock Me!
Love,
OKC
I call it "my peacock tail," feeling colorful and bright! But the first day, I was so self-conscious! What would people think? Is it ugly? Is it too much? All day I was embarrassed, humbled, mortified even.... I thought perhaps I had made a big mistake!
However, that weekend, I went to an event, put on my best peacock clothes, shined my best peacock smile and peacock self, and had a great ol' time! I strutted my stuff and just enjoyed myself! As I wanted to do, all along! Be myself! And let that be known!
I had a positive response to myself as I put it forward into the world, that night! I had mixed responses about my hair, but by the end of the night, I no longer even thought about it, no longer even cared!
Since then, I have worn my pink hair self-confidently!
Now, it is fading... Soon to fade out completely! It has been an interesting sort of experiment.... I think I have gotten what I intended out of it... empowerment and control, perhaps, for myself..... Mostly empowerment, which comes with it, control....
I think I might do it again... just for fun!
Shine brightly, Peacock Me!
Love,
OKC
Continued....
I think Lillian "Lilly" Allison, will be her name... if I ever do follow through on that..... And I will raise her peacefully, gently, quietly, calmly, nurturingly, lovingly, and will call her "Beautiful" and "Gorgeous" each and every day. That will be her nickname. So that she grows up with that image of herself, no matter what...... What all of us girls and women so badly need!!!!!
I think it is good, very good, that I had that thought, a dream, a vision beyond myself, beyond my current life, beyond only him and thoughts of him.... That is good! That is growth, movement!!! So necessary!
It is about time that I break free mentally and emotionally from him, in every way, including in my thoughts and dreams and visions!!! These things have been locked so long around him.....!
So YAY! Progress! Movement! Growth! Healing! Health! YAYAYYYYY!
I realized, too, that today is April 1st! I have been thinking that I should start losing weight/dieting April 1st. That has been my goal day to start and here it is, I realized! Aside from my feminist self, I want to lose 10 lbs, at least, to start with. Ten pounds. That sounds doable, at least! Not too overwhelming, depriving and hopeless! That will be a good start, anyways.... I love my strong, beautiful, healthy body! But I am miserable with my added weight... I am disgusted, saddened and miserable. That is no way to be and feel about myself! I remember my thinner self! My free-er thinner self!!! Free-er in movement, lighter..... My "fatter" clothes are now too tight... that is not a good sign... In years past, I attributed that to clothes dryer shrinkage!!! Until I realized too late that was not it!!!! So, no more denial, and yes, starting today, this is my plan!
So that is good. We will see how I do in terms of sugar... For 10 years I did not eat sugar! Gave it up!!!! I need to get back to that... So we shall see.
10 lbs. That will be my (manageable) goal. Not too depriving so that I am not miserable in my thoughts and heart!
And it is a good time of the year to do this! Spring! Heading into Summer! More movement, excersize, possibilities for movement!
I will let you all know how it is going!!!!
Love,
OKC
I think it is good, very good, that I had that thought, a dream, a vision beyond myself, beyond my current life, beyond only him and thoughts of him.... That is good! That is growth, movement!!! So necessary!
It is about time that I break free mentally and emotionally from him, in every way, including in my thoughts and dreams and visions!!! These things have been locked so long around him.....!
So YAY! Progress! Movement! Growth! Healing! Health! YAYAYYYYY!
I realized, too, that today is April 1st! I have been thinking that I should start losing weight/dieting April 1st. That has been my goal day to start and here it is, I realized! Aside from my feminist self, I want to lose 10 lbs, at least, to start with. Ten pounds. That sounds doable, at least! Not too overwhelming, depriving and hopeless! That will be a good start, anyways.... I love my strong, beautiful, healthy body! But I am miserable with my added weight... I am disgusted, saddened and miserable. That is no way to be and feel about myself! I remember my thinner self! My free-er thinner self!!! Free-er in movement, lighter..... My "fatter" clothes are now too tight... that is not a good sign... In years past, I attributed that to clothes dryer shrinkage!!! Until I realized too late that was not it!!!! So, no more denial, and yes, starting today, this is my plan!
So that is good. We will see how I do in terms of sugar... For 10 years I did not eat sugar! Gave it up!!!! I need to get back to that... So we shall see.
10 lbs. That will be my (manageable) goal. Not too depriving so that I am not miserable in my thoughts and heart!
And it is a good time of the year to do this! Spring! Heading into Summer! More movement, excersize, possibilities for movement!
I will let you all know how it is going!!!!
Love,
OKC
A family for me????
I dreamt last night I was with my entire family and we were helping my brother and sister in law pick out/pick up a new adoptive child... to add to their family. I already have two adopted nephews who are their sons... and I was comforting my nephews, one of whom in the dream was much younger than he actually is, today, about getting a new baby in the family and them not having to fear a new addition that will be taking everyone's attention... but not love.... from them.... And, in the dream, my sister in law comes out, (I am watching through a window- a car window?), holding a baby girl! We hadn't thought of a GIRL!!!!
I wake up and think about that. A baby girl! I have always wanted a baby girl! In my dream she was round and baldish in a cute little (plaid?) dress with white ruffle trim..... I name her Alice. I wake up, slowly, thinking of this name. Alice.... Alison... Elvis Costello's beautiful song, Alison. One of the most beautiful songs in the world, I truly believe.....
I think about holding a baby girl I name Alison, and singing Alison to her, and playing it in the background. I start wondering, what would it be like to have a baby, now? After all of these y ears? My life would definately be full! And no longer quiet, that is for sure! My house would be full.... Trips to doctors, changing diapers, school, daycare?, trips to the beach, dance classes, trips to the park.....
I start thinking about my house and what changes would need to be made as I think about where I would put her.... And then start thinking about remodeling, which I have always thought about, anyways... and then it strikes me, perhaps an addition on the back???! I think about a master bedroom, full size closets for me, french doors to my lovely backyard, an added living room area, an added eating area for the kitchen, perhaps a real laundry room, an added bathroom upstairs for Alison....... And it starts to all make sense......
A baby? A life with a baby? A family for me? Being a single mom? Now? After all of these years, at 44? Adopting a baby girl?
Wow.
Big thoughts to think about, waking up, this morning.........
Oh, and a puppy to go with her, too... a little white fluffy puppy she grows up with that she hugs and loves and they play together.
wow......
I wake up and think about that. A baby girl! I have always wanted a baby girl! In my dream she was round and baldish in a cute little (plaid?) dress with white ruffle trim..... I name her Alice. I wake up, slowly, thinking of this name. Alice.... Alison... Elvis Costello's beautiful song, Alison. One of the most beautiful songs in the world, I truly believe.....
I think about holding a baby girl I name Alison, and singing Alison to her, and playing it in the background. I start wondering, what would it be like to have a baby, now? After all of these y ears? My life would definately be full! And no longer quiet, that is for sure! My house would be full.... Trips to doctors, changing diapers, school, daycare?, trips to the beach, dance classes, trips to the park.....
I start thinking about my house and what changes would need to be made as I think about where I would put her.... And then start thinking about remodeling, which I have always thought about, anyways... and then it strikes me, perhaps an addition on the back???! I think about a master bedroom, full size closets for me, french doors to my lovely backyard, an added living room area, an added eating area for the kitchen, perhaps a real laundry room, an added bathroom upstairs for Alison....... And it starts to all make sense......
A baby? A life with a baby? A family for me? Being a single mom? Now? After all of these years, at 44? Adopting a baby girl?
Wow.
Big thoughts to think about, waking up, this morning.........
Oh, and a puppy to go with her, too... a little white fluffy puppy she grows up with that she hugs and loves and they play together.
wow......
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Fuck me twice, shame on me!
He says he's sorry
How sorry is he?
Doing the same thing over and over
And I accept it over and over
No more no more no more no more
No more humiliations, rejections or betrayals
I am done
More done than I ever was
before
If you can't respect me
appreciate me
adore me
Get out! get out! get out! get out!
How sorry is he?
Doing the same thing over and over
And I accept it over and over
No more no more no more no more
No more humiliations, rejections or betrayals
I am done
More done than I ever was
before
If you can't respect me
appreciate me
adore me
Get out! get out! get out! get out!
Men looking for Women, Women looking for Men
hunting
spying
searching
flirting
looking
following
tracking
chasing down
the opposite sex
possible connection
possible transaction
walking away
running away
hiding out
shutting out
from possible instigation
over gyration
imagination
consternation
where are we all going, anyways.........?
spying
searching
flirting
looking
following
tracking
chasing down
the opposite sex
possible connection
possible transaction
walking away
running away
hiding out
shutting out
from possible instigation
over gyration
imagination
consternation
where are we all going, anyways.........?
we shall see
Well, I saw HIM last night! Yes, him, the ex-boyfriend... We had a nice visit, although of course, it is not easy to trust him at this point........ He makes promises but then doesn't keep them AFTER we have our hot, steamy sex..... He made promises... we will see if he keeps them, this time.......
It was funny.... after he left, I was fantasizing only about staying single, staying in my house, not fantasizing as I used to, about us being together and living together, me selling my house, us buying a house together.... Perhaps I am burnt out, after all. That is a good thing, for ME.... allows me to stay in my reality and not get all worked up over things that will never happen.....
I wonder what life will bring, next........!
It was funny.... after he left, I was fantasizing only about staying single, staying in my house, not fantasizing as I used to, about us being together and living together, me selling my house, us buying a house together.... Perhaps I am burnt out, after all. That is a good thing, for ME.... allows me to stay in my reality and not get all worked up over things that will never happen.....
I wonder what life will bring, next........!
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Limbo
My stomach hurts, this morning.... I think I am stressed... STILL! Sigh... When will I live without this constant stress, hurt and pain just below the surface? The surface is fine, now. A good thing. Actually, this underlying churning ball seems to lie in my core, deep down, deep inside.
I find myself taking short breaths, clenching my teeth, keeping my muscles tight. It must be what I do most hours of the day. I am mostly unaware of it. Was unaware of it, until just recently, when I realized I am rarely in a totally relaxed state, always tense, stressed due to my constant thoughts which mull in my brain, those thoughts about him... those thoughts about us.... Trying to make sense of it all... Trying to fix it all.... Trying to get past it all... Trying to let go of it all and yet holding on, holding on, holding on in every clenched muscle and stomach upset.... Holding on holding on holding on. What am I holding on to, and when will I ever truly let go????
I try to make each day fly past, to add count to my time away from him... for my true victory of true freedom from the chains of this relationship that isn't... anything. Isn't anything but a figment of imagination... of mine, of his.... Isn't anything but a constant chemical attraction, a pleasure of a melding of bodies.. Isn't anything. Isn't anything. Really.
I try to convince myself. Try to convince my clenched muscles and my churning stomach.
Yet each day feels like a month, and each week feels like a year, and then I look at my calendar and it has only been a few short days away from the last interaction/communication.... And I am stuck in this timeless limbo.....
once again.
I find myself taking short breaths, clenching my teeth, keeping my muscles tight. It must be what I do most hours of the day. I am mostly unaware of it. Was unaware of it, until just recently, when I realized I am rarely in a totally relaxed state, always tense, stressed due to my constant thoughts which mull in my brain, those thoughts about him... those thoughts about us.... Trying to make sense of it all... Trying to fix it all.... Trying to get past it all... Trying to let go of it all and yet holding on, holding on, holding on in every clenched muscle and stomach upset.... Holding on holding on holding on. What am I holding on to, and when will I ever truly let go????
I try to make each day fly past, to add count to my time away from him... for my true victory of true freedom from the chains of this relationship that isn't... anything. Isn't anything but a figment of imagination... of mine, of his.... Isn't anything but a constant chemical attraction, a pleasure of a melding of bodies.. Isn't anything. Isn't anything. Really.
I try to convince myself. Try to convince my clenched muscles and my churning stomach.
Yet each day feels like a month, and each week feels like a year, and then I look at my calendar and it has only been a few short days away from the last interaction/communication.... And I am stuck in this timeless limbo.....
once again.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Disappointments
Ok, so I saw this "other man" this morning, and wow, realized I expect a bit more, now... now that I have been totally burned, humiliated, taken forgranted, abused, hurt, used, rejected and abandoned for so many years..... Went to breakfast with another person, all as friends, and "other man" didn't perform any cavalier, gentlemanly acts at all.... got up from the table and left, without waiting for me or assisting me with my things, didn't even hold the door for me as I was walking out of the restaurant....
Puleaze!!! I expect much more, now.
Indeed, I AM truly a feminist, but I am fed up with being treated like crap for all of these years and for giving so much more than I ever got, being so much more attentive and nurturing than I ever receieved. Fuck that!
So now I AM looking for the niceties.... holding the door, helping me with my coat, paying for a meal, flowers, etc....!
So, this will not work, after all, unless he would want to hear some constructive criticisms.... but who knows.
Well, onwards, eh?
More fish in the muddy ol' sea....
Puleaze!!! I expect much more, now.
Indeed, I AM truly a feminist, but I am fed up with being treated like crap for all of these years and for giving so much more than I ever got, being so much more attentive and nurturing than I ever receieved. Fuck that!
So now I AM looking for the niceties.... holding the door, helping me with my coat, paying for a meal, flowers, etc....!
So, this will not work, after all, unless he would want to hear some constructive criticisms.... but who knows.
Well, onwards, eh?
More fish in the muddy ol' sea....
You Missed Out, Once Again
Well,
You sure missed out, last night
I was dressed up in my finest
short short mini skirt
low cut top
see through over blouse
knee high black suede boots
shocking hair
Couldn't stop the looks and stares
of the men in the room
the cavernously large convention room
Having fun
my bright eyed smile
and easy conversation
catching up with friends
hugging the close ones
I sat at a table full of men
My favorite kind of place
You missed out
I was ready to entertain
ready to give myself over
to touches like yours
kisses like yours
caresses like yours
dancing tongues
You missed out
once again
just as you always do
always do
with your disregard
for my free time
my only time off of serious matters
time to play
time to relax
time to feel
You take me so forgranted
and instead
you are out with others
and your fucking ass boat
which you bought
instead of a ring
Your priorities
suck
Leaving me out
in the cold
of the night
as the late night wind
dances up my short short skirt
chills me
into the evening hours
as I leave in the car
of
another man
You sure missed out, last night
I was dressed up in my finest
short short mini skirt
low cut top
see through over blouse
knee high black suede boots
shocking hair
Couldn't stop the looks and stares
of the men in the room
the cavernously large convention room
Having fun
my bright eyed smile
and easy conversation
catching up with friends
hugging the close ones
I sat at a table full of men
My favorite kind of place
You missed out
I was ready to entertain
ready to give myself over
to touches like yours
kisses like yours
caresses like yours
dancing tongues
You missed out
once again
just as you always do
always do
with your disregard
for my free time
my only time off of serious matters
time to play
time to relax
time to feel
You take me so forgranted
and instead
you are out with others
and your fucking ass boat
which you bought
instead of a ring
Your priorities
suck
Leaving me out
in the cold
of the night
as the late night wind
dances up my short short skirt
chills me
into the evening hours
as I leave in the car
of
another man
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Torture
I need to give you up
my sweet obsession
which brings me
only short-term gratification
and long-term pain
I need to give you up
I don't want to give you up
I need to give you up
I don't want to give you up
I need to give you up
You and your soft kisses
wanting touches
and oceanic pleasures
which disappears
the moment you leave
because I never know after that
when I will see you again
Because, after all,
you don't really care
and I am tired
so tired
of withering my life away
without love
by loving you
my sweet obsession
which brings me
only short-term gratification
and long-term pain
I need to give you up
I don't want to give you up
I need to give you up
I don't want to give you up
I need to give you up
You and your soft kisses
wanting touches
and oceanic pleasures
which disappears
the moment you leave
because I never know after that
when I will see you again
Because, after all,
you don't really care
and I am tired
so tired
of withering my life away
without love
by loving you
Finished
I leave you behind, now
You are no longer good for me
as perhaps, you once were
for a moment
for a time
for a brief flash of time, once
here and there
I vanquish you
I excorsize you
I extract you
I remove you
I flush you out and away
I am removing your dancing ghost
from my life
which obscures my thoughts, dreams, and visions
which haunts my heart
which haunts my mind
which haunts me day after day, year after year
I am growing old
and tired
of plodding my life in circles
which only go back to you
and take me
absolutely
nowhere
nowhere
I am done being nowhere
I am done
giving my life
to you
You are no longer good for me
as perhaps, you once were
for a moment
for a time
for a brief flash of time, once
here and there
I vanquish you
I excorsize you
I extract you
I remove you
I flush you out and away
I am removing your dancing ghost
from my life
which obscures my thoughts, dreams, and visions
which haunts my heart
which haunts my mind
which haunts me day after day, year after year
I am growing old
and tired
of plodding my life in circles
which only go back to you
and take me
absolutely
nowhere
nowhere
I am done being nowhere
I am done
giving my life
to you
A Lifetime Wasted on Ambivalent Relationships
I have realized, after re-reading a FANTASTIC book about being involved with Ambivalent Men (The Committment Cure, by Rhonda Findling), that I have been attracted to and involved with only men who don't care about me or who cannot commit or who are ambivalent towards me and relationships for my ENTIRE adult life! Even when I was in junior high and high school! Isn't that a sad fact!!!!
Men who I have been attracted to and involved with included:
men who were "broken" in some way or many ways or most ways;
men who were abusive towards me;
men who were emotionally unavailable and/or neglectful of me;
men who are/were not interested in me;
men who treat/ed me poorly;
men who I chase/d after in order to try to win their attention and/or affection;
men who did not or would not meet my relationship needs and wants;
men who I had to support - financially and/or emotionally;
relationships that brought me pain, sadness, suffering, hurt, rejection, eventual abandonment, and most often misery!
It is terribly sad to realize that I have been sad and hurt and in pain about men, love, and relationship my entire life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How sad is it that I have spent my entire conscious life in pain about relationships?
I want to be a happy, free person!
I want to enjoy myself and my life!
Right now, and for how long? I am so scattered.... my thoughts are so distracted by my unhappy, unfulfilling, unsatisfying relationships. I cannot fully be present in my life to myself, my life, my friends, my world, the world!
This is not the way to spend a life. This is not the way to spend my life!
I have finally become happy in my life, over the last many years. And yet, there is always that underlying well of pain and sadness about my relationships that I am struggling in or with or towards.....
I want to be TRULY happy!
I want to be TRULY free!
I must change within myself the patterns and qualities which draw me to ambivalent men. I must no longer accept cruelty, disregard, humiliation, and ambivalence. I must learn to fully love myself in order to stop allowing degrading relationships and attractions. I must erase the messages in my head and heart about my unworthiness or not-enough worthiness, about not quite measuring up, about not quite being valuable enough.....
There is much work to do! And yet, the outcome can only be EXCITING!!!!
I look forward to feeling truly FREE and HAPPY to enjoy my self, my life, my connections, my friends, my passions, my work, the world!
Men who I have been attracted to and involved with included:
men who were "broken" in some way or many ways or most ways;
men who were abusive towards me;
men who were emotionally unavailable and/or neglectful of me;
men who are/were not interested in me;
men who treat/ed me poorly;
men who I chase/d after in order to try to win their attention and/or affection;
men who did not or would not meet my relationship needs and wants;
men who I had to support - financially and/or emotionally;
relationships that brought me pain, sadness, suffering, hurt, rejection, eventual abandonment, and most often misery!
It is terribly sad to realize that I have been sad and hurt and in pain about men, love, and relationship my entire life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How sad is it that I have spent my entire conscious life in pain about relationships?
I want to be a happy, free person!
I want to enjoy myself and my life!
Right now, and for how long? I am so scattered.... my thoughts are so distracted by my unhappy, unfulfilling, unsatisfying relationships. I cannot fully be present in my life to myself, my life, my friends, my world, the world!
This is not the way to spend a life. This is not the way to spend my life!
I have finally become happy in my life, over the last many years. And yet, there is always that underlying well of pain and sadness about my relationships that I am struggling in or with or towards.....
I want to be TRULY happy!
I want to be TRULY free!
I must change within myself the patterns and qualities which draw me to ambivalent men. I must no longer accept cruelty, disregard, humiliation, and ambivalence. I must learn to fully love myself in order to stop allowing degrading relationships and attractions. I must erase the messages in my head and heart about my unworthiness or not-enough worthiness, about not quite measuring up, about not quite being valuable enough.....
There is much work to do! And yet, the outcome can only be EXCITING!!!!
I look forward to feeling truly FREE and HAPPY to enjoy my self, my life, my connections, my friends, my passions, my work, the world!
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Dating Sucks
Went on yet another internet blind date the other day.... Turned out the same as always... one of two choices.... I have absolutely no interest in him once I meet him in person and never want to see him again (let alone have him touch me or try to kiss me (EWWWWWW!)) - OR- as this one - I kind of liked him or thought maybe I could like him, and yet, then never hear from him again (aka He Is Not Interested).
This last one kind of puzzles me. Why would someone NOT want to see ME again? I am GREAT! (It has taken a lifetime to feel this way about myself, by the way!). I am fun, smart, sexy, successful! Ok, I am not your average looking WASPY beauty.... I am short, curvy... Is that the problem, always? Is it that I am smart and independent and men do not like that? Are they intimidated by that, as some men have told me other men might think? Is it because my butt is too big? I am too excited about life? I have my own thoughts and opinions? I ask questions? I want to talk about myself as well as hear about you?
It is very confusing, and VERY frustrating.....
Hopes about "Perhaps THIS will be the one! Then I can give up all of this looking and dating crap! And can be happy with a man and enjoy a relationship!", come crashing down as each day passes without a call, an email, a text, an offer, a suggestion, a flirting........
Sigh......
Yet more prolonged waiting, looking.... trying not to be obsessed about the whole subject and try to refocus on myself and my life... enjoying myself and my life versus waiting to find someone to do some fun things with and enjoy things with......
Disappointment, rejection, anger, hurt, resentment, confusion, upsetedness..... Trying not to be caught up in the roller coaster of emotions surrounding the issues of love, sex, committment, dating, marriage, hopes, companionship, dreams, partnership.......
Trying not to go back to thoughts about the ex and the disappointments surrounding that whole subject, as well....... (i.e. "If only he would get his head out of his ass and realize what he is passing by!!!!!!")
Sigh....
Dating......
Do I look for older men? Younger men? Taller men? Shorter men? Men I find sexy and attractive? Men I do NOT find sexy and attractive? Men who are interested in pursuing me? Men who I am interested in persuing? Do I wait to approach men? Wait for them to approach me? Do I ask them out on dates? Do I give it all up for a while and just focus on me? Do I stop looking, completely (as so many friends suggest: "It happens when you are NOT looking!")? Or do I go with my usual theory of not letting an opportunity pass by? Do I give up internet dating? Do I join new hobbies, activities, groups, etc...? Do I just do my usual thing and wait some more for another possibility to come my way, eventually....? Do I change something about myself? Do I lose weight? Do I do something different? Do I let them do something different?
Always, in these realms, more questions than answers... . And everyone has an opinion, and yet none of them feel right for me..........
-Z
This last one kind of puzzles me. Why would someone NOT want to see ME again? I am GREAT! (It has taken a lifetime to feel this way about myself, by the way!). I am fun, smart, sexy, successful! Ok, I am not your average looking WASPY beauty.... I am short, curvy... Is that the problem, always? Is it that I am smart and independent and men do not like that? Are they intimidated by that, as some men have told me other men might think? Is it because my butt is too big? I am too excited about life? I have my own thoughts and opinions? I ask questions? I want to talk about myself as well as hear about you?
It is very confusing, and VERY frustrating.....
Hopes about "Perhaps THIS will be the one! Then I can give up all of this looking and dating crap! And can be happy with a man and enjoy a relationship!", come crashing down as each day passes without a call, an email, a text, an offer, a suggestion, a flirting........
Sigh......
Yet more prolonged waiting, looking.... trying not to be obsessed about the whole subject and try to refocus on myself and my life... enjoying myself and my life versus waiting to find someone to do some fun things with and enjoy things with......
Disappointment, rejection, anger, hurt, resentment, confusion, upsetedness..... Trying not to be caught up in the roller coaster of emotions surrounding the issues of love, sex, committment, dating, marriage, hopes, companionship, dreams, partnership.......
Trying not to go back to thoughts about the ex and the disappointments surrounding that whole subject, as well....... (i.e. "If only he would get his head out of his ass and realize what he is passing by!!!!!!")
Sigh....
Dating......
Do I look for older men? Younger men? Taller men? Shorter men? Men I find sexy and attractive? Men I do NOT find sexy and attractive? Men who are interested in pursuing me? Men who I am interested in persuing? Do I wait to approach men? Wait for them to approach me? Do I ask them out on dates? Do I give it all up for a while and just focus on me? Do I stop looking, completely (as so many friends suggest: "It happens when you are NOT looking!")? Or do I go with my usual theory of not letting an opportunity pass by? Do I give up internet dating? Do I join new hobbies, activities, groups, etc...? Do I just do my usual thing and wait some more for another possibility to come my way, eventually....? Do I change something about myself? Do I lose weight? Do I do something different? Do I let them do something different?
Always, in these realms, more questions than answers... . And everyone has an opinion, and yet none of them feel right for me..........
-Z
The Loss of Him
The loss of him in my life
a never ending void
a bottomless hole
ghosts of promises made, dreams and hopes
echoes of secret smiles shared between us
He is an impossible dream
Made impossible by his own choice
and his own brokenness
He sits on the ledge of my life
tries to seduce me
into staying with him on the ledge
But I choose the entire room of life
the wholeness of it all
masterful, infinite
I will fill it all
as best as I can
There will be tears
of missing you
lying in barely visible spots
on the carpet
a never ending void
a bottomless hole
ghosts of promises made, dreams and hopes
echoes of secret smiles shared between us
He is an impossible dream
Made impossible by his own choice
and his own brokenness
He sits on the ledge of my life
tries to seduce me
into staying with him on the ledge
But I choose the entire room of life
the wholeness of it all
masterful, infinite
I will fill it all
as best as I can
There will be tears
of missing you
lying in barely visible spots
on the carpet
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