Limbo

My stomach hurts, this morning.... I think I am stressed... STILL! Sigh... When will I live without this constant stress, hurt and pain just below the surface? The surface is fine, now. A good thing. Actually, this underlying churning ball seems to lie in my core, deep down, deep inside.

I find myself taking short breaths, clenching my teeth, keeping my muscles tight. It must be what I do most hours of the day. I am mostly unaware of it. Was unaware of it, until just recently, when I realized I am rarely in a totally relaxed state, always tense, stressed due to my constant thoughts which mull in my brain, those thoughts about him... those thoughts about us.... Trying to make sense of it all... Trying to fix it all.... Trying to get past it all... Trying to let go of it all and yet holding on, holding on, holding on in every clenched muscle and stomach upset.... Holding on holding on holding on. What am I holding on to, and when will I ever truly let go????

I try to make each day fly past, to add count to my time away from him... for my true victory of true freedom from the chains of this relationship that isn't... anything. Isn't anything but a figment of imagination... of mine, of his.... Isn't anything but a constant chemical attraction, a pleasure of a melding of bodies.. Isn't anything. Isn't anything. Really.

I try to convince myself. Try to convince my clenched muscles and my churning stomach.

Yet each day feels like a month, and each week feels like a year, and then I look at my calendar and it has only been a few short days away from the last interaction/communication.... And I am stuck in this timeless limbo.....
once again.